A Beautiful Lie

How do you move on after betrayal? When the person you loved beyond measure is not who you thought they were and when everything you thought was true was not, how do you survive? You find yourself questioning every single thought you’ve ever had, every plan you had for your future, and every feeling that resided in your heart.

The love that you felt for that person comes into question as you wonder if you ever even knew them. Were they even real? Were the feelings you felt real? Did they lie about everything, including when they told you they loved you and wanted to spend forever with you?

The unfortunate truth is, and this will be SO hard to hear, you will never know. You will spend forever, although it will subside a bit with time, wondering if every single bit of it was an apparition. You may even find it difficult to fully trust another, wrongly blaming them for the hurts of your past.

It will be incredibly difficult to move on from the pain of being lied to. You will find it near impossible not to blame yourself. But the only thing you are guilty of is believing, loving, and trusting in someone. Yes, you may have ignored signs – blatant, alarm ringing, red lights flashing type signs – but again, that is not your fault. You loved without abandon. You shared your soul with someone. You placed your trusting heart in their care. They took all of that, and they crushed it.

So… you just have to take that love you had, and place it carefully in a tiny corner of your heart. Why? Because you will never stop loving them, and the hurt will linger on for a long time to come. Put it away and make a conscious choice to remember the feelings you had of love and joy. Those feelings you had were VERY real and worth honoring. Carry that with you as you put one foot in front of the other.

At the end of the day, you can think of this experience as simply a time when you loved, trusted, and experienced joy. Regardless of how it ended, you will know that although most of it was a lie, at least for a short while, it was a beautiful lie.

~ Patti Crowley

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Was it Really Just Wasted Time?

wasted-time

I’ve got about 8 months until I turn the dreaded 50. I am clinging onto 49 desperately, trying to savor the sweet taste of each day left in my 40s. I find myself spending a great deal of time, too much time really, thinking over choices I’ve made in my life. I go through days where I feel this gnawing, yet barely audible, hum of doubt vibrating within me, and then I push it aside. Waking the next morning, if I am quiet, I can hear it again. Distracting myself, I can avoid it for a time, yet there is a part of me that is fully aware of its existence.

There are so many things in my life for which I am extremely grateful. I enjoy so many blessings, including my amazing grown children, wonderful friends who make me laugh every day, and a loving and supportive family. I can keep myself busy with work, and coffee dates with friends, a good hike on a gorgeous fall day in AZ… but that hum does not go away. There are questions I ask myself that seem to be screaming inside of my skull. I cannot avoid the doubts I have, the things I may have missed, and the time I may have lost. Then, I heard a song by The Eagles that I had never heard before… and I was brought to tears.

So you live day to day and you dream about tomorrow, and the hours go by like minutes and the shadows come to stay. So you take a little something, to make them go away. I could have done so many things, if I could only stop my mind… from wondering what I left behind, and from worrying about this wasted time.

Living with regret that I am unable to regain time that has passed is just NOT the way I want to live my life. I make a tiny bit of progress each day with that, but it isn’t always easy if I am being completely honest. So I do what I can to appreciate what I have and spend my time in the present.

As the song goes on to say, “And maybe someday we will find, that it wasn’t really wasted time.”

~ Patti Crowley

Feel Life

dont-wait

Much of life is spent waiting… Waiting for payday… Waiting for the weekend… Waiting for a sunny day (Okay, well that really doesn’t apply since I live in Arizona)! Days go by, weeks, months, and even years. Letting time just slip away, waiting for something and missing a life that is right in front of me. Friendships overlooked, mountains not hiked, laughter unheard… because I am waiting for something bigger and better, something that I believe will make life complete.

Why is it that there are some lessons in life that I have to keep learning and relearning? Just when I think I have it all figured out, I go and forget. I spend time alone, watching mindless TV. I sit on my bed writing, staring out of my window at the gorgeous day unfolding beyond the blinds. I tend to forget how beautiful these mountains are that I so desperately wanted to surround myself with. I forget how heavenly the fall mornings here in Arizona can be. I forget to run the path near my home, while listening to the sounds coming from the soccer fields nearby that bring me back to when my kids were young.

So, for today, I will try to relearn the lesson I learned many times before. Today, I will meet up with some friends for coffee. I will then take my daughter out shopping, as she requested, and then enjoy a nice dinner out. Tomorrow, I will do more of the same. Hell, I may even call a friend and ask them to join me for lunch. So today, there will be no waiting. Today, I will go out and Feel Life!

~ Patti Crowley

Fear is a Liar

fear

Fear – It’s a liar, truth be told.

It whispers so sweetly in your ear

Its tone comforts the edgiest soul

For its victim it holds no fear.

An injured heart is dangerously fragile

Its ragged edges shiver with every beat

Prone to destruction all the while

Unaware of all the dangers unseen.

Fear haunts the recesses of the mind

Brings with it twisted illusions

More terrifying than any you will find.

Imagined – Wicked – Delusions

Now when the head is light and the eyes are clear

Fear possesses a quite different tone

From that tortured existence you find yourself free

Those demons, now dead and gone.

~ Patti Crowley

Making Room for Sweet Newness

serenityfrom past

 

The quiet and stillness

of a peaceful Sunday morn,

Sitting, breathing, basking in the calm

No longer tired and worn.

The pains and hurts of the past,

She shed like an old worn coat

To make room for sweet newness

Joy rising in her throat.

The sweet spring air rests upon her tongue

The warm sun flushes her pale skin

As she says goodbye to a past

Holding on would only hurt again.

She can’t change what happened yesterday

Can’t wish for a different story

Her gaze is only toward the sun

As it peeks above the mountain’s glory.

~ Patti Crowley

Words on a Screen

texting

Words on a screen
Don’t express the real thing.
Misinterpreted
Misunderstood
Not reflecting the true mood.
He said
She said
Words come out wrong.
He wonders
She wonders
Is it time to move on?
Truths not revealed,
Feelings never expressed
Since the only communication
Was based on a text.

~ Patti Crowley

 

Love Me Anyway

broken heart

Look right through me
It’s quite a sight.
Bury yourself in the darkness of my soul,
Squint into my light.

These lines, they keep appearing
Bright eyes will surely fade,
Yet this fragile heart that exists inside
Is certain to remain.

See beneath the outside
Not what they all might see,
For what they see it will not last
It’s not the real me.

Share my pain, acknowledge my faults,
Forgive all my mistakes.
My former self a memory
Its remnants I forsake.

When you touch me, sense my fears,
Wrap me up in your embrace.
Take me broken, bruised, yet healed
And love me anyway.

~ Patti Crowley