Her Will

push

Peering in each direction

Not a single soul in sight

She reaches for her magic potion

To make everything seem all right.

When the warm begins its way through her veins

She releases a thankful sigh

For this moment in time like a happy wall frame

She appears giddy and now so alive.

The sun, it is brighter, quite sublime

The flowers emanate scents of jasmine & lilac

A whirling and swirling within her confused mind

Then she suddenly realizes it’s time to go back.

The effect washes away like a low tide at sea

The warmth turns to unbearable chill

One more look around, alone again, you see

She pushed them all away, as is always her will.

Advertisements

When Darkness Comes

darkness

Darkness comes at such surprise

Even devoid of chemical influences

The sun shines bright but I can’t see

These grey tinted lenses hinder my senses.

Mskin feels tingly to the touch

My step an unsteady gate

Lovely music flows with sweet strings and such

Filters through me like screeches and hate.

There’s a space on my bed which remains warm

As I’m lying there most of the day

A half made bed where my weary self mourns

Not one specific word, thought, or ill to convey.

All darkness seems to bear no source

All pain has no true indication

Tears aimlessly run their course

My only known remedy is prayer for patience.

~ Patti Crowley

Goodbye, Love

real

Goodbye, Love.

Of all the lies, “I love you” was, by far, my favorite. I hung on for so long… wishing, waiting, hoping. Even in the darkest moments, my heart clung to you tightly. Even in the face of an inevitable ending, my heart longed for what might have been. Even with the bitter knowledge of your reality, my heart quietly wished for a vastly different ending to our story.

I grieve the loss of you. Not because you deserve it. Not because I am weak. I grieve the loss of the dreams I foolishly held, the hopes of promises that would never be fulfilled. I grieve the loss of a future I secretly held within my vivid, yet naive imagination.

I loosen my grip, retract the claws that dug in so tightly…. I slowly open up my weary arms, and I release you. Not actually you, but a faint image of the you that was left behind. I watch with an ache deep in my soul as that image slowly fades away…

… and I am free.

 

Thank You for the Life You’ve Given Me ~ Love, Mom

To My Kids:

On this Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about how everyone is thanking their mothers for giving them life. However, when I really considered this, I realized that the moment I gave birth to you both, I was given a life beyond my wildest dreams. This life was filled with MANY crazy ups and downs, but throughout it, there you both were. In fact, if you don’t believe in love at first sight, wait until you look into the eyes of your own newborn someday! That’s love at first sight!

There will come a day when I am gone…. but you both need to always know and remember what you meant to me. Yes, I say “I love you” often, but do you really know just how much? Well, let me tell you…

I loved you, and secretly grinned, when you stepped on the neighbor’s newly planted marigolds on a dare from your friend when you were about 8 years old, Michael. Of course, I made you water the replacements daily, although you surely didn’t want to. Again, I grinned!

I loved you when you bought tiny collars and placed them on the poor baby bunnies you found, Megan, so you could walk them. You didn’t know what would happen to baby bunnies taken away from their mother. I have to admit, though, that I chuckled inside when I saw you with a little bunny on a leash!

I cherish memories of a child size recliner chair, Barney & Arthur, Blue’s Clues, sweet little voices and laughter, Catholic school uniforms, community pool days with friends, kisses goodnight, hugs in the morning over cereal, lost teeth, cuts and bruises, tears, growing pains, high school challenges, and growing up – moving out, moving back in…  Through it all, there has always been one constant. My love for you both!

Mothers are supposed to be there for their children. We are supposed to love you through hard times, support you, listen with an empathetic ear, offer a shoulder or a tissue. I hope that I was able to do all of those things, but when I look back and even today, I realize you have both done that for me! Whether it was coming to my aid after a fender bender, hugging me when I suffered a painful breakup, laughing with me over ridiculous things, or singing soundtracks from Rent in the car LOUDLY, you were both always there for me!

No matter where I am or where you are in life, I will always be your mom. My love for you will always remain, long after I’m gone. I carry a piece of you both with me always, and I pray you carry a piece of me in your hearts always as well. Through all of life’s challenges, and even when you feel unlovable or lonely (and there will be times you feel that way, unfortunately), just know this… I loved you from the moment I knew I was carrying each of you. I loved you the moment I laid eyes on each of you. I loved you through everything, and I love you more each and every day as I watch you grow into beautiful, amazing adults with so much potential in this life. Believe in yourselves, as I have believed in you. That is all I can ask for. Never, ever doubt that love at first sight exists. You are BOTH proof that it does!

I love you more than you may ever know!

Love, Mom

 

And Suddenly… There I Was!

I am unsure how it happened or what exactly led to it. When I try to recreate that moment in my mind, the details are too fuzzy to see. Up until that moment, I found myself going to bed each night with a whispering anxiety… this dull ache residing deep within my gut. Up until that day, I woke up each day with a sense of dread and impending doom, although if you asked me, I would never have been able to explain to you exactly why. Those feelings had become so routine that they were ingrained in my whole being. I simply didn’t know how to feel any other way, or so it seemed.

Then it happened! One day, I woke up and found myself in this place. Now, let me tell you… My bed was the same. My alarm went off at the same time as it did the day before, and the day before that. The tumbler of ice had melted, as always, on my nightstand, leaving me with a nice drink of cool water without ever having to leave my bed. My puppy was stretched out next to me, looking at me with those pleading eyes to take him out for our morning walk, like he does every day. The day’s schedule looked no different than usual. My bank account hadn’t changed much (good or bad). Overall, not a single thing was different.

But it happened! I found myself in this place. This place where everything suddenly felt just right. I don’t even know what “just right” means, but it was. There was a calm, serene feeling warming me throughout, straight down to my toes. My heart was calm. My soul felt light and airy. My vision was clear.

In this new place, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. Peace with where I have been. Peace with what I’ve been through. Peace with my mistakes. Peace with the hurts. Peace with what is to come. And suddenly, there I was.

And I smiled…

~ Patti Crowley

A Beautiful Lie

How do you move on after betrayal? When the person you loved beyond measure is not who you thought they were and when everything you thought was true was not, how do you survive? You find yourself questioning every single thought you’ve ever had, every plan you had for your future, and every feeling that resided in your heart.

The love that you felt for that person comes into question as you wonder if you ever even knew them. Were they even real? Were the feelings you felt real? Did they lie about everything, including when they told you they loved you and wanted to spend forever with you?

The unfortunate truth is, and this will be SO hard to hear, you will never know. You will spend forever, although it will subside a bit with time, wondering if every single bit of it was an apparition. You may even find it difficult to fully trust another, wrongly blaming them for the hurts of your past.

It will be incredibly difficult to move on from the pain of being lied to. You will find it near impossible not to blame yourself. But the only thing you are guilty of is believing, loving, and trusting in someone. Yes, you may have ignored signs – blatant, alarm ringing, red lights flashing type signs – but again, that is not your fault. You loved without abandon. You shared your soul with someone. You placed your trusting heart in their care. They took all of that, and they crushed it.

So… you just have to take that love you had, and place it carefully in a tiny corner of your heart. Why? Because you will never stop loving them, and the hurt will linger on for a long time to come. Put it away and make a conscious choice to remember the feelings you had of love and joy. Those feelings you had were VERY real and worth honoring. Carry that with you as you put one foot in front of the other.

At the end of the day, you can think of this experience as simply a time when you loved, trusted, and experienced joy. Regardless of how it ended, you will know that although most of it was a lie, at least for a short while, it was a beautiful lie.

~ Patti Crowley

Was it Really Just Wasted Time?

wasted-time

I’ve got about 8 months until I turn the dreaded 50. I am clinging onto 49 desperately, trying to savor the sweet taste of each day left in my 40s. I find myself spending a great deal of time, too much time really, thinking over choices I’ve made in my life. I go through days where I feel this gnawing, yet barely audible, hum of doubt vibrating within me, and then I push it aside. Waking the next morning, if I am quiet, I can hear it again. Distracting myself, I can avoid it for a time, yet there is a part of me that is fully aware of its existence.

There are so many things in my life for which I am extremely grateful. I enjoy so many blessings, including my amazing grown children, wonderful friends who make me laugh every day, and a loving and supportive family. I can keep myself busy with work, and coffee dates with friends, a good hike on a gorgeous fall day in AZ… but that hum does not go away. There are questions I ask myself that seem to be screaming inside of my skull. I cannot avoid the doubts I have, the things I may have missed, and the time I may have lost. Then, I heard a song by The Eagles that I had never heard before… and I was brought to tears.

So you live day to day and you dream about tomorrow, and the hours go by like minutes and the shadows come to stay. So you take a little something, to make them go away. I could have done so many things, if I could only stop my mind… from wondering what I left behind, and from worrying about this wasted time.

Living with regret that I am unable to regain time that has passed is just NOT the way I want to live my life. I make a tiny bit of progress each day with that, but it isn’t always easy if I am being completely honest. So I do what I can to appreciate what I have and spend my time in the present.

As the song goes on to say, “And maybe someday we will find, that it wasn’t really wasted time.”

~ Patti Crowley