Tag Archive | moving on

A Beautiful Lie

How do you move on after betrayal? When the person you loved beyond measure is not who you thought they were and when everything you thought was true was not, how do you survive? You find yourself questioning every single thought you’ve ever had, every plan you had for your future, and every feeling that resided in your heart.

The love that you felt for that person comes into question as you wonder if you ever even knew them. Were they even real? Were the feelings you felt real? Did they lie about everything, including when they told you they loved you and wanted to spend forever with you?

The unfortunate truth is, and this will be SO hard to hear, you will never know. You will spend forever, although it will subside a bit with time, wondering if every single bit of it was an apparition. You may even find it difficult to fully trust another, wrongly blaming them for the hurts of your past.

It will be incredibly difficult to move on from the pain of being lied to. You will find it near impossible not to blame yourself. But the only thing you are guilty of is believing, loving, and trusting in someone. Yes, you may have ignored signs – blatant, alarm ringing, red lights flashing type signs – but again, that is not your fault. You loved without abandon. You shared your soul with someone. You placed your trusting heart in their care. They took all of that, and they crushed it.

So… you just have to take that love you had, and place it carefully in a tiny corner of your heart. Why? Because you will never stop loving them, and the hurt will linger on for a long time to come. Put it away and make a conscious choice to remember the feelings you had of love and joy. Those feelings you had were VERY real and worth honoring. Carry that with you as you put one foot in front of the other.

At the end of the day, you can think of this experience as simply a time when you loved, trusted, and experienced joy. Regardless of how it ended, you will know that although most of it was a lie, at least for a short while, it was a beautiful lie.

~ Patti Crowley

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Trusting Your Gut

gutSometimes it is easier to stay in the comfort of what you already know… to remain in a situation that is familiar. It is the easier, softer way. To some, change is exciting and refreshing, but to others (including me), it is frightening. Starting something new brings with it terrifying fear of the unknown and desperate uncertainty. But there are times when you just know that change will be good for you, even though you may be afraid of taking that first step.

The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to trust what my gut is telling me. There have been days when my gut was screaming out at me… and I have chosen to ignore it. You may be able to relate to that gnawing feeling deep inside telling you that something just isn’t right… or that something is not working. Listen to it, because that feeling is coming from a place that we can’t even comprehend.

Life is full of choices… choices to leave or stay… choices about people in your life… career decisions… you name it. We stress about these choices. Make lists of pros and cons. Ask all of our trusted friends. Lose sleep over these decisions. When all along, the answers are right there… deep inside our gut. Trust in that voice… let it guide you.

~ Patti Crowley

Life Isn’t About Finding Yourself… It’s About Creating Yourself

Browsing around Barnes and Noble, I saw a plaque with the following saying on it:

Creating yourself

Believe it or not, I had never heard that quote before. The funny thing is, when I moved from IL to AZ just under a month ago, many of my friends asked if I was trying to find myself. I laughed it off, and said that I’ve been looking for a long time and haven’t found anything yet!

I suppose that answers the question for me. I will never “find” myself. The only self I will be showing to the world is the self which I create. I don’t want to find myself… Instead, I want to create the me that I want to be.

We have the power to be who we want to be, do what we want to do, and go where we want to go. I proved that to myself by picking up my life, packing it all in a 20 foot U-Haul truck, and moving myself across the country on a leap of faith. I want to create a “me” with whom I could see myself being best friends. Think about it… don’t we all want to be the person that others want to be around.

I am creating, and re-creating, myself each and every day. I am not looking to find out who I am. I will never know that for sure. So here I sit, writing, looking forward to each new day, and praying for the guidance to help me be the best ME I can be!

~ Patti Crowley

See Ya Later


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Last week, I piled everything I own on a truck, hooked my car up for the tow, and drove from Chicago to Arizona. To say this was challenging would be putting it mildly. However, the real challenge was leaving behind my kids, who I hope will eventually join me permanently. My 22 year old son is already out living on his own, but my 18 year old daughter will be staying behind her first year to attend her freshman year of college in IL. She is planning to move to AZ next year to attend school here. But for now, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I did not realize how much I would miss her. I kept saying to her, “Meg, it’s okay. It will just be like you are leaving me to go to college a little early.” The truth is… I was the one leaving her.

I was in my 30’s, married with children, when my parents decided to pack up and move to Nevada. I was devastated, and thought they were being selfish. But as time went on, I understood that it was something they had desperately wanted to do, maybe even needed to do. They spent the last years of their lives enjoying life in the mountains.

So as Megan and I packed up all of our things, we had different boxes for her. Some were labeled “Arizona”, for when she comes to visit, and others were labeled “college”. We sat on the floor of her room packing those boxes, and I believe that is when the reality of it all set in. I always worried that I would have such a rough time when my baby left for college, but here I was doing the leaving first.

Saying goodbye was heartbreaking, for both of us. But it isn’t goodbye… just see ya later! As I drove away, with tears in my eyes, hauling everything I own in that 20 foot truck, I realized what I carried on that truck was just STUFF. What I really have is love… love for my children, love for the friends I left behind, and love of the life we have all built together. None of that goes away… life changes, relationships change… but they don’t end. Meg comes out to visit this weekend, and I cannot wait to see her! When she leaves to go back and prepare for her first year of college, it won’t be goodbye. We will just say, “See ya later”.

~ Patti Crowley

uhaul

A New View of My World

Inspiration pours in from every conceivable direction.  Moments like this validate my decision to look westward as a final destinationview from hotel balcony for living my life. Moments like this make me realize how truly small I am, and the realization sets in that there is no doubt of the presence of a power much greater than myself who created all of this beauty. No human hands could have ever created such magnificence, and for that I am humbled beyond words.

This morning, I sit on my balcony and look at out the majestic mountains, knowing deep within that I am exactly where I was intended to be. My daughter lies asleep in our resort room, exhausted from two days of house hunting & sightseeing. The 18 year old girl who very rarely ever picks up a book, choosing instead to watch hours of mindless tv at home, actually read an inspiring book cover to cover in two days from this very balcony. If that isn’t inspiration, I don’t know what is, and if you knew my daughter as do I, you would understand the significance of that!

Today, as I sit here drinking coffee on this balcony overlooking God’s creation at its finest, I feel inspired to begin anew. All of the dreams I have talked about, written about, and thought incessantly about are slowly becoming a reality. There were times at which I thought this was another one of my grand plans that I would most certainly never make a reality.  With still a few hurdles to overcome, I feel confident that another chapter of my life is being written at this very moment. I will not put the pen down, I will not allow myself to be distracted by those little doubts and fears that find their way in, and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am finding that the only way to fulfill your dreams is to simply take one little step in the right direction, do the next right thing, and do everything in your power to not look back over your shoulder.  The moment is now!

~ Patti Crowley

Wrapped Up in Me

In less than a week, I will be in Arizona looking for a new place to call home. Majestic  mountains, a quiet valley, a lone Cactus in bloom, ample sunshine, and 100+ degree heat… Crazy? I think  not. Am I the  conductor of my own orchestra, or is there something drawing me in, cajoling me forward? Regardless, the time has come.

The details seem endless.  The planning, overwhelming.  So my thoughts are constantly racing with things I have to do, ways to make this move a reality, and questions for which I want answers.  Yet there is the friend, reaching out, in need of my help.  Have I been so wrapped up in me that I am unable to provide a shoulder, offer guidance, or simply be present?  A daughter, preparing for graduation, anxious to enter her college experience, filled with anticipation, rattled nerves, but also big dreams.  Have I been too wrapped up in me that I have briefly relinquished my duty as mom, unable to offer assurance, listen to her reservations, her thoughts, her dreams?

So, I will pause for awhile today. Pause, not stop, and simply be in today.  All of the things I have yet to do, all of the dreams I have for myself, will still be there and do not have to be put on the shelf to collect dust.  I simply need to be present in today.  Allow myself to be open to others, to listen, to guide if necessary.

At this time, next week, I will be in the mountains, breathing in the clean air and taking in the beauty.  But for today, I will be here, not wrapped up in me, but looking outward.

– Patti Crowley