Archive | May 2014

A New View of My World

Inspiration pours in from every conceivable direction.  Moments like this validate my decision to look westward as a final destinationview from hotel balcony for living my life. Moments like this make me realize how truly small I am, and the realization sets in that there is no doubt of the presence of a power much greater than myself who created all of this beauty. No human hands could have ever created such magnificence, and for that I am humbled beyond words.

This morning, I sit on my balcony and look at out the majestic mountains, knowing deep within that I am exactly where I was intended to be. My daughter lies asleep in our resort room, exhausted from two days of house hunting & sightseeing. The 18 year old girl who very rarely ever picks up a book, choosing instead to watch hours of mindless tv at home, actually read an inspiring book cover to cover in two days from this very balcony. If that isn’t inspiration, I don’t know what is, and if you knew my daughter as do I, you would understand the significance of that!

Today, as I sit here drinking coffee on this balcony overlooking God’s creation at its finest, I feel inspired to begin anew. All of the dreams I have talked about, written about, and thought incessantly about are slowly becoming a reality. There were times at which I thought this was another one of my grand plans that I would most certainly never make a reality.  With still a few hurdles to overcome, I feel confident that another chapter of my life is being written at this very moment. I will not put the pen down, I will not allow myself to be distracted by those little doubts and fears that find their way in, and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am finding that the only way to fulfill your dreams is to simply take one little step in the right direction, do the next right thing, and do everything in your power to not look back over your shoulder.  The moment is now!

~ Patti Crowley

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There For The Taking

Looking out of her window on a gloomy spring morningwindow
She can’t help but wonder
Is it out there, waiting ever so patiently for her?

Will she bring with her that childhood anticipation,
That mischievous smile, that trusting soul?
Does she realize that true happiness is already within,
And not outside in any majestic place or in another soul?

Will she realize the hopeful dreams of her youth,
Making proper use of her gifts and talent?
Or will she shrink back into that safe place of obscurity?

Will the extraordinary beauty of her new environment
Allow her the space and inspiration for which she has longed?

I believe she knows with every ounce of her being,
That it is there for the taking,
If she simply trusts,
And reaches deep within.

~ Patti Crowley

And So It Begins..

In the words of the band, SemiSonic, (had to look that up as I’ve never heard of them), “Every new beginning comes from somenew beginnings other beginning’s end”.  This is so relevant this morning in the wake of my youngest’s graduation from high school. It is actually ironic that I would be sentimental about the end of her high school years, since neither she nor I liked the school.  With just under 1,000 students in the graduation class, it was easy to get lost in the mix.  Highly competitive, with a vast range of income levels including a highly privileged sector, Megan found it incredibly difficult to assimilate. Yes, she received an excellent education and that should be all that matters, but sometimes all I can think about is the way in which she suffered in her first year as she felt she simply could not fit in. However, as time went on, she developed strong friendships with a few girls with whom she has made wonderful memories.

So, that got me thinking about how many times in my life I have formed friendships, whether through work or within the neighborhood, only to move on with my life feeling as though a part of my life has ended. Although we may keep in touch, things are never quite the same when you no longer work at the same company or live in the same neighborhood. The truly strong connections live on, but not all do. Still, I believe we take pieces of every friendship along with us for the long haul. Each relationship contributes to the person we are at this very moment, and who we will be going forward.

graduationMy daughter and I were talking about all of this last night. We discussed how her high school career began, and then how it ended. As she looks forward to her college experience, she realizes that as she enters this new adventure, this new beginning, she takes with her lessons she has learned, heartaches she has endured, and successes of which to be proud.

~ Patti Crowley

History Starts Now…

What kind of world do you wanthistory starts now
Think Anything
Let’s start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now…

– Five for Fighting

The lyrics above are from a song entitled, World.  I heard it while listening to my Pandora app in the car and it nearly made me pull over.  I remembered something that happened when my now-18 year old daughter was in three year old preschool.  One day when I was picking her up, her teacher pulled me aside and told me that Megan had handed in her artwork and proudly exclaimed, “Here is my masterpiece!”  We laughed at how funny that word sounded coming from a three year old.  But I digress….

The song brought that adorable memory back, and made me smile.  However, there is so much more significance for me to the lyrics from the song.  It made me think of how so few of us live in the moment. Many of us wake up each morning dreading the day ahead, worried about the future, and feeling regret from the past.

What if we looked at this moment as the start of our lives?  We have the ability to live for right now.  So why not make a decision to stop whatever it is we are doing at this moment, and think about what kind of world we want?  We can “think anything”, “start at the start”, and “build a masterpiece”.  We can do anything we want with our lives (within reason I suppose!), live anywhere we choose to live, and be whoever it is we want to be.

So, be careful what you wish for…  Your History Starts Now!

~ Patti Crowley

Wrapped Up in Me

In less than a week, I will be in Arizona looking for a new place to call home. Majestic  mountains, a quiet valley, a lone Cactus in bloom, ample sunshine, and 100+ degree heat… Crazy? I think  not. Am I the  conductor of my own orchestra, or is there something drawing me in, cajoling me forward? Regardless, the time has come.

The details seem endless.  The planning, overwhelming.  So my thoughts are constantly racing with things I have to do, ways to make this move a reality, and questions for which I want answers.  Yet there is the friend, reaching out, in need of my help.  Have I been so wrapped up in me that I am unable to provide a shoulder, offer guidance, or simply be present?  A daughter, preparing for graduation, anxious to enter her college experience, filled with anticipation, rattled nerves, but also big dreams.  Have I been too wrapped up in me that I have briefly relinquished my duty as mom, unable to offer assurance, listen to her reservations, her thoughts, her dreams?

So, I will pause for awhile today. Pause, not stop, and simply be in today.  All of the things I have yet to do, all of the dreams I have for myself, will still be there and do not have to be put on the shelf to collect dust.  I simply need to be present in today.  Allow myself to be open to others, to listen, to guide if necessary.

At this time, next week, I will be in the mountains, breathing in the clean air and taking in the beauty.  But for today, I will be here, not wrapped up in me, but looking outward.

– Patti Crowley

Surrender

Directly in front of me
It taunts me, laughing with that wicked smile
Just out of reach, yet I attempt a desperate grasp
I sigh, exasperated when my hand comes back empty
Empty as I

For a moment, I concede
I take a step back, looking at the paved path behind
The long stretches of smooth bricks, thoughtfully placed
Mixed with fleeting sharp curves
Twists and turns with patterns I have yet to comprehend

Turning back around, facing once again what calls to me, haunts me
Taking a long, measured breath
Tightly closed eyes,
I loosen my clenched fists, toss back my head, and smile
Peace settles within as I surrender to what will Be.

~ Patti Crowley

Mountains or Bust?

Desperate to capture one last moment, one last photo, I found myself begging.  Absolutely no pictures allowed! On her very last day of high school, my beautiful daughter prepared to leave. My allergies are at their worst today, so although my head was pounding, I brought my lazy butt downstairs to see her off.  Last night, in a text to her father, I said the words, “It all went so fast.”  A simple text that opened the flood gates for me, and I began to cry.  He laughed, well actually he LOL’d, if that is a word!  I am so grateful that although we’ve been divorced for 12 years, we share with each other the love for our children and mutual respect.

So, this brings me to this place of contemplation and wonder, a good place actually.  In feeling that things are coming to an end, I have to remind myself that the truth is, they are only just beginning. Her story is yet unwritten, and truth be told, so is mine. This is her time, and it is also mine.  Although my duties as a mom are far from being over, my life is, in many ways, truly my own.  With both of my children off on their own very soon, it is time to do what I have ALWAYS wanted to do.

Years ago, my parents moved to Nevada. I remember thinking they were crazy, and was a little miffed that they would up and leave!  However, in time, I learned that they were so content there, happier than I had ever seen them, actually. They had a lovely condo that overlooked the mountains.  After a visit, I told my mother that one day, when the kids were grown, I would come live near the mountains too.  So that is exactly what I am planning to do. With both of my parents gone now, friends have asked me what on earth I am thinking, moving across the country, ALONE.  I have to chuckle at that… because that is exactly what I will not be in the mountains… ALONE.  They simply cannot understand, cannot know, for what it is I am searching.  How could they, when I am not even certain myself?

sunset

Herein begins my journey. My daughter and I will visit Arizona next week, where I have two job interviews set up, and we will be searching for a modest home with a view of the spectacular mountains! This trip is not only my graduation gift to her, but a gift to myself.  Call me selfish, call me impulsive, if you will.  I will just call me, unwritten. I cannot wait to see how the story ends!